Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
