well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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