Jerry, you need to find god
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
