my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
