I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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