You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
