good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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