Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
