The maid of honor just puked.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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