It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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