I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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