his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
