I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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