i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
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