You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
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My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
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Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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