i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
