Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Not as such, no.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house