I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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