did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
