Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
