I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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