just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
