i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
