Nicole vs. Life
Your mouth is God's brothel.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
