Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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