Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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