I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
