Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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