Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
