I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
