We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
