If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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