Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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