you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You are a genius and a whore.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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