and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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