Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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