She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
