I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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