I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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