pop tarts are not kleenex
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
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