I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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