Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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