Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize