my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
