I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
