the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
