i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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