A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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