well I can't set my house on fire every night
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
