sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
