Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
