I puked a lego.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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