i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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