Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
