I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
We need to rekindle our bromance
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
