He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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