i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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